Ordered traffic jam
What the FUCK happened to Yonge and Dundas?!?!
I say that with a tone unlike an unexpected disaster has jumped upon me, but more similar to an event that flipped a fraction of my life over; a tinge of incredulity and excitement mixed together.
This intersection has been "home" for me for the past 2 years, in some sort of way. It's been a short time, but it'll never lose its sense of familiarity; it was indeed the 1 thing I actually remember missing, back in Argentina.
But starting today at 4AM, something extremely weird happened. Adapting to some sort of old process dating back 50 years, "criss-cross" lights were installed, and for the first time in my life I had the freedom of running into the middle of an intersection of roads and laughing like a maniac at all the cars waiting for my and every other pedestrians' crossing. Of course, those who know me would highly doubt I would do such a thing, but I'll have you know that others had done it in my reserved stead, that's for sure...
And although this granted unorderedness had just started, the cars move on. Life moves on, even though every 3 minutes there is a mini-chaos going on, this little change that has made the city that much more efficient. A little cooler. A little more fun. A twist in the city albeit a minor one that everyone is almost already used to... we're all still crossing as we need to cross, on the zebralines yes, ebut subconsciously you know there's a change, you can see it, sense it, this awareness always lingering but never fully ebbing away no matter how used to it you get...
Now, since I've been refusing to blog about being back after 3 weeks... flip this blog upside down to see the underside of the cement for those whounderstand...
Home
It's been 2 days since I've been home, and 20 minutes since I've seen "my world" in utter amazement.
The last highlight of my CEED experience was facilitating at DRIVE EB National Conference in Southern Cone. That was where my personal experience abroad had come to an end, most prominently when facilitating the functional ICX track. To introduce ourselves, we were to give our names, our @ XP and what exchange meant to us. As each person elaborated on what exchange meant to them, I had 10 more things to say on top of each comment, but that is not the point. As each VP exchange spoke about what X meant to them, I held on tightest to 1 comment: Exchange means to see another reality with the vision you had grown up with and coming back with a different set of eyes.
As I rode the bus back home from the airport on Tuesday, I was simply astonished at how everything felt so normal. Everything was coming at me, peoples' behaviours, the bus, the cleanliness, efficiency... and it all felt... normal. How natural it was to not even embrace home, but just glide along with it and
merge. I was in no shock, there were no surprises... no expectations... and nothing has changed.
Nothing has changed.Matters and situations are still the same, people still act the same, routines are still the same... and I can't stand it - at all. I guess this is where I see the change in myself - the lens that separates my old matters from my new ones. Yes there are the little things: everyone's lawns are so green, how could I ever have though it gross to step in grass? I want to roll in everyone's lawns now. who cares if I get home at 3AM? I walked the streets of Buenos Aires at 4AM and took the bus all by myself every night after hardcore partying... drinking tap water from a bar? it's not a concern if TO's pipes are 100 times cleaner than those of Bs As...
But the things that extremely bother me: why are people talking about such useless, mindless topics? Should I be wasting my time on being stupid? Things that use to be fun not anymore, and things that used to matter don't. In some ways I feel like I'm being snobby, but can I be blamed for having seen concerns that really matter?
So... what is excellence? Is it doing better than others in certain things? Is it having a good balance in life? Should we live life to its fullest if it means watching a lot of TV because it keeps you content?
What should each of us be doing?
DRIVE
OK guys this is going to be a weird post...
It's 11:58AM right now, in Argentina. Currently sitting in the room of a hotel in the extremely beautiful city of Córdoba, where co-faci/mc Juanma is giving a session on Effective Presentations. What a mixed bag of feelings right now.
Along with the stress and anxiousness of facilitating conferences, this is the last day I will be spending with my fellow AIESECers, the Argentineans and everyone that I know here in this country. I don't know how to explain the feeling of dancing for the last time with some of the coolest people I know at 5:30AM but what I do know is that I'm extremely motivated, tired as hell, scared, nervous, really effing happy, and trying not to cry - all at the same time.
It's probably - it's actually the worst time to write a blog now, with a million and a half things to do for the last 5 hour of this conference... but for some reason although nearly trembling I feel like I need to write down this amazing and horrible moment of my life.
Before leaving on my CEED, I wasn't afraid of not being able to adapt; I'm a fairly flexible person. The one thing I had most feared was missing everything and everyone back home. What I had concluded about myself was actually quite right - I had adapted extremely well into the society, the AIESEC culture, the life here. But right now, what I was before doesn't seem quite the same. At this moment, what I fear the most is simply seeing familiarity. I can't envision the feeling I'll have of sitting on my bed, hearing native North American English everywhere... riding the TTC... speaking at a normal speed where everyone would understand me... I can't, thinking about it already makes me uncomfortable. Has reverse-culture shock already started? or is it because I've been giving so many of these culture shock sessions that I'm expecting it?
At the same time I can't say that I don't want to leave, but I can't say that I want to either. I'm just
not ready. This CEED was supposed to end gradually - having a day to pack, having a few days to shop around for stuff to bring home, seeing everyone for the last time, but no - no! Plans, as I said in the last post, never fuckign work out, and this CEED ended on such a high note I'm just not even ready to leave yet. Starting to get really close and used to my room-mates/the MC, packing for 3 months of life in 2 hours - a result of finding out I'll be faci'ing this leadership role conference only a few days before it... this conference... getting on the nst in southern cone - holy shit, talk about lack of buildup.
It's like a dump truck emptying sand in a pit - super quick and it'll be empty before you know it. It's so unfair. Why are most of the highlights happening at the end of this experience? Too bad for me... all I can do is to move forward and just continue to
DRIVE...
Abrazo.
Wasting no more time
So much to be done
Everything works out
So they say
Over my shoulder
It's tough getting olderToday is my last day in Buenos Aires. My last real day.
I finally went to Retiro Station to get my tickets to Córdoba... wow can you say finally?! Let's not speak about how impossible it was to have these tickets in my hand...
Anyway, while walking there I went through the San Martín park - and how amazing it was. This park I always took for granted was absolutely perfect today. It's in the middle of the craziest part of the city and the port... where the highways and city meets... you have no idea how amazing it feels to be in complete loveliness in the midst of honking cars, pollution and people elbowing you right left and centre...
Weird that I'm speaking about San Martín park now, 'cause just last night when getting out of the General San Martín Estacíon with Tina, we spoke about our first impressions of this area. On both our first days going to the MC office we had this image of it being amazing, because when you are on the escalators from the station going up to the street, you see palm tree leaves and bright morning sunlight... some kind of wonderful... so weird that we both thought the same thing... it's amazing how you look back at first impressions, isn't it? How views and perceptions change so quickly... totally a different story when you were still innocent of "when in reality"...
Well back on topic... this morning walking in San Martín was totally different - a kind of completeness and fulfillment mixed together. I walked up to the bridge overlooking the hill, at Libertador, the highways... with the sun totally blazing down like some sort of blesser... and that was it - when everything came together. This is the end of my trip, the end of my experience... the end of everything that I had been looking forward to before. What a sense of accomplishment, of shame, of fulfillment, of disappointment... a life-changing experience?... well why don't you tell me the factors of life first... let's not even fathom how to measure "change"...
En el collectivo.
A few hours ago, I may have seen Oncé for the last time.
A few minutes ago, I may have walked on Avenida Florida for the last time.
Today, I may be working in the AIESEC Southern Cone office for the last time, ever.
I didn't expect such an abrupt ending. This is just exactly how my life is, always. I plan, plan, plan to plan, organize... PLAN, and nothing ever turns out the way it's supposed to. EVER.
I was supposed to be leaving for Peru today, or so I thought 2 months ago.
I was supposed to be going to the Provincia to a friend's barn this weekend, 2 weeks ago.
I was supposed to be going to DRIVE conference and leave for Córdoba next Thursday, 2 days ago.
Instead, I'm probably leaving for Cordoba to organize and facilitate this conference ... this Monday.
Live. Laugh. Love.
